I don’t really know what exactly triggered my eating disorder, but some would say it is because of my ‘tragic’ life. In grade five, two of the closest people to me died, and I soon found out my dad has a bad heart, and my mom has a lung disease.
From a young age, my sister had abused my mother and I, and I never realized how much it affected me until recently. I hate her for this.
I was clinically depressed. Still am. November 2005 is the first time I cut. At first, they weren’t bad. I was scared and new to it, but I soon realized a few scrapes of the skin weren’t enough.
In 2006, my sister was raped. Althought it didn’t personally happen to me, I am defintiely changed by this experience. For the worse.
In 2007 my mom made me see a therapist to help me deal with emotions and talk about my thoughts. That was pointless.
The summer of 2010, I met someone really great. I loved them so much. But it wasn’t anyone’s dream relationship. I soon found myself in an abusive relationship for nine months. Everyone around me can see how destroyed I became, and it is difficult for me to comprehend the change in myself. Yes, I has suffered from depression from a very young age, but this person had me spiraling into anorexia. I have always been terribly self conscious and I always take things very personally. In the summer of 2010, I developed a workout disorder. I soon began skipping meals.
October 2010, I began skipping breakfast and lunch. I remember I was only happy when I was starving. I associated starving with happiness and beauty, and feeling full with being fat and unwanted. At this point, my friends began to notice my weight loss and how I never ate in front of them. To this day, I have good friends who haven’t seen me eat.
So restricting wasn’t working, and dinner always destroyed me. My days went something like this: restrict, eat(dinner), cut, cry, sleep. Repeat. I made a daily calorie limit. It was 200.
By December 2010, I began to purge. I don’t know how I first started purging, but I remember my first time. My parents had made my favourite pasta for dinner. Not to mention buying my favourite cake as well. At that point I had restricted for two days in a row. I ate way too much. It hurt. The next thing I knew, I was crying on the bathroom floor beside the toilet.
I’ve been bulimic since.